A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour, surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

     Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

     He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

    Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely . . . .  A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

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Tarzan meets Jane:

One day TARZAN met JANE in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged in sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I just use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her beautiful long legs.

"Here," she said, "you must put it in here" pointing to her crotch.

Tarzan removed his loincloth stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony.

Eventually she managed to gasp and exclaimed, "What the hell did you do that for?”
Tarzan meekly replied "Just checking for bees".

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Can you speak Lesbian?

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
     A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
     A Klondyke.

3. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
    Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

4. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
     A Lickalotapuss.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
    Fur Traders.

6. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
    Well Hung.

7. What do you call lesbian twins?
    Lick-a-likes.

8. What's the definition of confusion?
    Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

9. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
      One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker!

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Slow Dick wants to warn you of something that happened to him, being a victim of the latest scam at a mall while shopping. This just happened at Yorkdale Mall and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two good looking 18 year old girls came to his car as he was about to leave the mall while he was placing his packages on the floor of the front seat.  One starts wiping his windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes up to his window saying "Hi"  bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse.  It was terrible, and at the same time, nearly impossible not to look.

When he thanked them and offered them a tip, they said "No" and begged him for a ride to another mall.   Slow Dick agreed and told them to sit in the back seat.

On the way, they started having sex with each other in the back seat.  Then one of them climbed over into the front seat and performed oral sex on him while the other one steals his wallet.

    Slow Dick ended up being assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but he couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

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There was a couple who were about to get married. Just before the wedding they had a tragic accident and both died.

As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.

St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.

He was gone for several months then finally returned.

The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married.

Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"

St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer!

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A man with heavy debts walks into a bar and sees a two gallon glass jar full of $10 bills and asks the bartender what that is about.

The bartender says it is a betting jar and anyone can play.

You have to put in $10 and if you can do the three things required you win the money in the jar.

The man then asks what are the three things, but the bartender says you find out after you put in your $10.

So the man figures he can do anything and throws in his $10.

The bartender tells him the three things are:

1. Drink this fifth of rot-gut whiskey from the Pacific Coast of Nicaragua.

2. Give multiple orgasms to a 94 year old lady with Alzheimer's in room 201 upstairs.

3. Yank a rotten tooth from a champion fighting pit bull dog in a cage out back.

The man is reluctant but decides his debts push him to give it a go.

First he takes the Nicaraguan whiskey and chugs the whole bottle and is left barely standing.

Then he goes out back and the bartender could hear for 30 minutes the yelling and yelping of dog and man with ear piercing sounds.

Then the man comes back in the bar, his clothes all torn and blood oozing from all over his body, and asks, "OK, now where is that old lady with the rotten tooth?"!

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10 Reasons why Cubans say they would have failed as terrorists on 9-11

1.  8:45 am is too early for us to be up.
2.  We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
3.  Pretty people on the plane distract us.
4.  We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.
6. We talk with our hands; therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
9. We can't keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.

AND MY FAVORITE.....
10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield!

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Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Sven.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He Tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he coul d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"

Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."