The Good Ole South

   Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who passed  away  and left  his entire estate to his beloved widow?    She can't touch it 'til she's 14

   How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?   When you call the front desk and say, "I gotta leak in my sink," and  the front desk replies,  "Go ahead."

   How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?  There is dried tobacco  juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

   Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in West Virginia to 32?   It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

   What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alabama?    Documentaries.

   Where was the toothbrush invented?   Mississippi.   If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

   A Georgia State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-75 and  says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies "'Bout wut?"

   Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?  The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

   Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Alabama burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.  The library was a total loss, too. Both books- poof! -- up in flames...and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

   A new law recently passed in West Virginia: When a couple gets divorced,  they're STILL brother and sister!

   The only cow in a small town in southern Minnesota stopped giving milk.  The farmers did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Minnesota for $200, or one from Iowa for $100.  Being frugal, they bought the cow from Iowa.  The cow was wonderful.  It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy.

   They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it, then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.  They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.   However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull  tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

   The people were very upset and decided to ask a local Hasher, who was very wise, what to do.  They told the Hasher what was happening, "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away.  If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.  When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.  An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side."

   The Hasher thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Iowa?"

   The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow.  "You are truly a wise Hasher," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Iowa?”

    The Hasher answered sadly, "My wife is from Iowa."

    A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

 # 1 - "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from
         you wife”.

 #2 - “I expect a great dinner to be on the table every night unless I tell you otherwise.”

 #3 - “I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't
         you even think of giving me a hard time about it.”

    “Those are my rules wife. Any comments?"

    His new bride said, "No, that's just fine with me.  Just understand one thing; there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night husband . . . whether you're here or not."

   George W. Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

   "I don't know what to do with you here, " says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

   George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

   The devil opened the first room: in it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

   "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

   The devil led him to the next room: in it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

   "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

   The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms folded behind his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

   George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

   The devil smiled and said . . . . . . .  "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

   Yesterday, scientists for the USDA suggested that men should take a serious look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the startling presence of female hormones in beer.

   The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. 

   To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, I.Q. decreased by 25%, spent excessive money, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

   Hooligan was up at Barona Casino yesterday and saw the likes of a certain un-named hasher walking up Wildcat Canyon road. Hooligan stopped to give him a lift.  He noticed that the hasher was carrying  a brown bag and asked "what's in the bag?"

   The un-named hasher said, "Oh, it's a bottle of wine.  I got it for my wife". 

   Hooligan thought for a second, then said...."Good Trade".

HASH WHORASCOPE

Those of you who have birthdays this month (Hooligan, Jack-Me-Off-In-A-Box, Piston Head) are governed by the sign of Augustis.  This month the alignment of the stars and planets points to the avoidance of fad diets and public telephone booths and anal sex.  This is a unique opportunity to make millions on the lottery and other forms of betting.  Sell all your assets and buy number 2516937483 and you won’t regret it!  This month’s Hash Whorascope was brought to you by our own Hash Astrologist Eternal Hare (a.k.a. Walter Mercado).

 One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.   The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
 
 The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
 
 "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

 "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
 
 "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
 
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
 
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
 
"You better believe it!"
 
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
 
"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
 
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
 
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
 
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
 
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .."
 
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
 
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
 
The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"