There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

   The cucumber said "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

   The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad?  When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."
 
   The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough?  When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a rubber tarp on my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!."

   At the movie theater a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing with herself furiously. He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.

   She agreed, and the man started to finger her like crazy. When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

   "Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

   "You were great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

Do you know why they give out Viagra to all the men down at the old folks home?

                    . . . . . . . . . . . .  So they don’t roll off the bed in their sleep.

   A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.  One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would move to Italy and secretly have the child.  He told her that if she would raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

   She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.  To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back.  He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

   One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.   “Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."  "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

   The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

   She picked up the card that had written on it: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Two with meatballs, one without.”

    Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

    Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning  to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of “MOUNT & DO."

   A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.  "What on earth are you doing?" She blurted out.

   "Hunting flies dear" He kindly responded.

   "Oh. Killing any?" sarcastically she half asked.

   "Yep, 3 males and 2 female flies," he commented with a shit-eating grin.

   Intrigued by now, "How can you tell?", she smirked.

   Politely, he responded, "Because three flies were on a beer can, and two flies were on the phone

   The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.  After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.  Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

   The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
 
   "What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.  Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.  Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What's it tell you, Tonto?"

   Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber then buffalo shit.  Someone has stolen the tent!"